SKATING AROUND THE CHARGES: Veteran National Hockey League brawler Marty McSorley was found guilty on Friday of criminal assault for a brutal on-ice incident last season that has focused attention on the issue of fighting in professional hockey. McSorley was given an 18-month conditional discharge, which means he will be on probation for 18 months...
... I hope they don't have any boxing matches there soon - they'll NEVER get out of jail...
... That means the Bruins will have to play 48,988,800 minutes in the penalty...
WILTED REPUTATION: The Philadelphia Daily News reported that the FBI investigated basketball Hall of Famer Wilt Chamberlain in the late 60's because of rumors that he was fixing games...
... Judging by the number of women he slept with, the only thing that needed to be fixed was WILT...
FALLEN KNIGHT: Bobby Knight was fired by Indiana for grabbing a student by the arm last week to lecture him about manners and violating the school's ``zero-tolerance'' conduct policy...
... Let's see how Indiana handles the new "zero-victory"
policy coming their way...
Hours after he was fired on Sunday he returned to the campus from a Canadian fishing trip, meeting first with his players in private and then grabbing a bullhorn to tell hundreds of students protesting his dismissal that they had not heard the last of him. "There's nobody that's ever coached that appreciates the support of students as much as I have," he said, adding that he would meet with students in the next few days to "tell you my side of this thing..."
... Just do it with your mouth and not your hands this time, Bobby...
As protesters burned him in effigy and passed out threatening fliers, Indiana University officials rushed to defend the 19-year-old freshman whose accusations led to Bob Knight's dismissal. Kent Harvey and his two brothers have been threatened by e-mail and telephone since their confrontation Thursday with the basketball coach, their stepfather, Mark Shaw, said...
... But with any luck, the police will soon have Bobby off the phone and laptop...
STREETRIDERS MEET STREETWALKERS: Organizers of the Tour of Spain are concerned prostitutes on the route of the final stage in Madrid could disrupt the finish. The Tour is due to end with a 38-km individual time trial around Madrid on 17 September, with the route involving a circuit of the city's biggest park, the Casa de Campo. It is here on the roads that criss-cross the park that several hundred prostitutes ply their trade...
... Pumping and riding mean very different things on that street...
FISH TALE: The family of late fishing boat captain Billy Tyne Jr., who was portrayed by George Clooney in this summer's movie hit "The Perfect Storm," have sued the filmmakers for depicting Tyne as "emotionally aloof, reckless, excessively risk-taking, self-absorbed, emasculated, despondent, obsessed and maniacal..."
... I'll bet he didn't look quite as good as George Clooney, either, though...
TEED OFF: In Florida, nearly two dozen adults stormed a T-ball field and began brawling over an umpire's call as the 4- and 5-year-old players watched. Two coaches were suspended, and police are considering arrests. A home video taken during a Miami Friends Baseball Association T-ball game shows at least 20 men charging the field, throwing wild punches and shoving and tackling one another. No one was seriously injured, and no children participated in the fight...
... Nobody was injured because they can't hit anything unless it's sitting still on a tee...
SOCC-HIM: In Britain, a 15-year-old boy who punched a referee in the face has been banned from soccer for life, newspapers reported Friday. Goalkeeper Nick Taylor was banned from playing competitive soccer anywhere in the world after hitting referee Terry Lowrie twice in the face at the end of a South Ceredigion Junior Football League match in west Wales...
... You can't punch a soccer ref -- that's the FAN'S job...
SUDDEN DEATH GOLF MATCH: A man who spent his time retrieving golf balls outside the Marshall Canyon Golf Course has been found dead. The body of 72-year-old Glendora, California, resident John Zsenyu was found after he was reported missing by his family. Zsenyu often looked for golf balls hit out of the course, then sold them back to golfers...
... Now who's lying out of bounds...
CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN -- LITERALLY: The FBI announced that former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin won't be charged with marijuana possession, despite reports that he was found standing naked and holding a marijuana cigarette during a police raid on a Dallas apartment...
... He showed them TWO joints, so to speak...
STIMULATING DISCUSSION: Sports Illustrated reports that two teammates told investigators in a prescription fraud case that Denver Broncos linebacker Bill Romanowski offered stimulants to them before games...
... Judging by the Broncos' defense last year, I'd say they didn't take them...
Tyson in training to eat Lennox Lewis' children. |
Mike Tyson was fined a record $185,700 by the British Boxing Board of Control Tuesday -- but he can still fight in Britain. The Board, who had charged Tyson with bringing the sport into disrepute following his victory over Lou Savarese in Glasgow in June, found him guilty of fighting after the bell and making "reprehensible" comments about Britain's world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis...
... They're just trying to get him to say "reprehensible," for a laugh...
... Don't say anything bad about Lewis -- but you can beat him senseless to the point of brain damage and we'll pay you MILLIONS...
HE'S NO SAINT: New Orleans Saints safety Darren Perry met with reporters and tried to put his drunken driving incident behind him. "The reason I'm here is not to talk about the incident specifically," Perry said. "But really just to come here and apologize to my teammates, the Saints organization, coach (Jim) Haslett, and all the people that were instrumental in getting me down here, for basically just bringing this kind of embarrassment to the situation..."
... Next time he gets drunk he promises to drive right home before it gets any worse...
FOOT-LONG CRABS: The consumer group Public Citizen has included in its list of "questionable" U.S. doctors a physician who used a patient's amputated foot in a crab trap. The doctor is still practicing medicine...
... Worse yet--he's a DENTIST...
CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN: Police arrested former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin on misdemeanor marijuana possession charges Wednesday, during a raid at a north Dallas apartment. If convicted, Irvin could face up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine...
... This wouldn't happen if he was still with the Cowboys (he could score COKE, then)...
CUTTING REMARKS: While promoting his live Internet Web chat, O.J. Simpson claimed that a recent Los Angeles police scandal re-enforced his belief that evidence was planted against him in his 1995 murder trial...
... And after you've gone to all the trouble of concealing evidence like O.J., it can really upset you...
Simpson will reportedly miss a reunion of NFL Hall of Famers this weekend because he's too busy moving to Florida...
... It takes a long time to move when your Bronco only goes 40 miles per hour...
PRO SOCCER: European soccer authorities are investigating claims that a Romanian team tried to offer prostitutes to referees. However, the women in question may have been members of a folk ensemble. The Romanian newspaper Pro Sport quoted Ceahlaul Piatra Neamt manager Gheorghe Stefan as saying he was not with the French referees in the restaurant where the offer supposedly took place. "The only thing I found out is that the manager of the (restaurant) wanted to offer a folk program, and that when the girls in the ensemble came in, the referees stood up and left," Stefan said...
... Soccer prostitutes aren't that great anyway - they can't use their hands...
A COACH OF (ILLEGAL) SUBSTANCE: Former Milwaukee Buck Paul Mokeski, who faces charges of misdemeanor possession of cocaine, was fired Thursday as coach of Kansas City Knights of the ABA...
... He went from a cheesehead in Milwaukee to a cokehead in Kansas City...
HE SOUNDS JUICED: While promoting his live Internet Web chat, O.J. Simpson claimed that a recent Los Angeles police scandal re-enforced his belief that evidence was planted against him in his 1995 murder trial...
... And after you've gone to all the trouble of concealing evidence like O.J., it can really upset you...
Simpson will reportedly miss a reunion of NFL Hall of Famers this weekend because he's too busy moving to Florida...
... It takes a long time to move when your Bronco only goes 40 miles per hour...
PRO SCOUT: In Tallahassee, Florida, a star player for Florida State's national championship football team was arrested and charged with soliciting an undercover policewoman for sex. Safety Derrick Gibson, projected as a leading selection in the next NFL draft, was arrested Thursday night on a misdemeanor charge of solicitation for prostitution in another legal entanglement for a top Florida State player...
... From Florida State University to the Florida state penitentiary...
HIGH ABOVE THE RIM: Basketball great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was arrested Tuesday night for investigation of driving under the influence of marijuana...
... He's been retired for ten years, but he's still scoring...
NICE HIT: NFL star Ray Lewis pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor count under an agreement that drops murder charges in the stabbing deaths of two men outside a Super Bowl party...
... It will now not be called murder - just "aggressive defense..."
SHE WAS A KNOCK-OUT: Mike Tyson won't face charges on allegations that he hit Las Vegas stripper Victoria Bianco, knocking her to the floor and yelling obscenities when she approached him while working at the Cheetah's nightclub...
... But the police have seen his last few fights - they know he can't hurt anybody with his punches nowadays...
BACK ON THE (LEGAL) BENCH: Indiana basketball player Tom Coverdale was arrested on a charge of illegal consumption of alcohol after police responded to a report of a bar dispute. Police were called to the Bluebird Nightclub early Thursday on a report that Coverdale, 20, had battered another person inside the bar...
... With behavior like that he might COACH for Indiana one day...
Knee-slapper. |
SHE ALMOST ATTEMPTED THE AXLE: Tonya Harding pleaded guilty to charges she punched her boyfriend, 28-year-old Darren Silver, and threw a hubcap at his head. The former U.S. figure skating champion was sentenced to three days in jail on the disorderly conduct and third-degree malicious mischief charge...
... She was upset the judge only gave her a 3.5...
... When he was hit he did such a perfect triple-reverse into a split that she's incorporating the move into her skating routine...
IF ONLY PETER MacNEELEY HAD BEEN THIS TOUGH: Topless dancer Victoria Bianco filed a police report in Las Vegas Tuesday claiming that boxer Mike Tyson struck her in the chest and cursed her after refusing an offer for a private dance...
... He's the one boxer who gets penalized for hitting above the belt...
THEY NEED TO BE HELD IN CHECK: Two chess players may be banned from the sport after coming to blows during Australia's premier Grand Prix tournament...
... I blame it on their checkered past...
THE HEAT'S ON HIM: Reserve rookie guard Rodney Buford of the Miami Heat was arrested early Sunday by Miami Beach police for his third marijuana-related offense in the past year. "My counsel has asked that I not comment on this matter," Buford said. "My focus right now is on the New York series"...
... Good luck focusing if you're using that stuff...
A PLAYER OF SUBSTANCE (ABUSE): Larry Webster, a key player in the Baltimore Ravens' defense last season, has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for violating the league's alcohol and substance abuse policy...
... Three more violations after he comes back and he has to join the Cowboys...
"I score any way I can." | |
ILLEGAL PASS: Mark "Chewy" Chmura (actual nickname) of the Green Bay Packers was arrested and accused of sexual assaulting a teen-ager at a party after a prom. The accuser says Chmura had inappropriate sexual contact with her at a Hartland area home this past weekend...
... Chmura says he's always anxious to meet other natural tight ends...
KNIFING THROUGH THE DEFENSE: Linebacker Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens, free on $1 million bail pending his trial for a double-murder in Atlanta, is optimistically preparing for next season by working out at the Raven's training complex...
... He'll either be a pro or a con...
LOTTERY PICK: Former All-Pro Dallas Cowboy linebacker Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, who served 28 months in jail in the 1980s for using crack cocaine, has apparently won the $28 million Texas lottery. Henderson told the Austin American-Statesman that he would use the lottery winnings to help underprivileged children...
... In other words, turn on your beepers, kids -- Hollywood wants some crack!!!
Jailed Sports Stars 
![[pippen]](images/pippen.jpg)
![[albert]](images/malbert.jpg)
![[camby]](images/camby.jpg)
![[lane]](images/fredlane.jpg)
LANE VIOLATION: Running back Fred Lane of the Carolina Panthers was arrested in Tennessee on drug and weapons charges when police found marijuana and an "assault-style weapon" in his Mercedes-Benz...![[Taking the charge]](images/drodman2.jpg)
HE'S NOT REBOUNDING WELL: Dennis Rodman was charged with drunk driving following an arrest in December when California police alleged his blood alcohol level was .15, nearly twice the legal limit of .08...![[carruth]](images/carruth.jpg)
![[lewis]](images/raylewis.jpg)
![[simpson]](images/osimpson.jpg)
