KNIFING THROUGH THE OFFENSE: Ray Lewis will not play in the Baltimore Ravens' final five games and will undergo season-ending surgery...
... How ironic - finally it's RAY who'll go under the knife...
FUDGE PACKER: Green Bay Packers fullback Najeh Davenport was arrested for breaking into a university dormitory and defecating in a woman's closet. Davenport crept into a dorm room at Barry University around 6 a.m. on April 1.
A woman sleeping in the room, Mary McCarthy, told police she was startled by a strange sound and saw Davenport squatting in her closet. Davenport then allegedly defecated in a laundry basket...
... I guess nobody explained what "water closet" means...
Knee-slapper. |
I GIVE THAT DOUBLE-AXLE SPIN A 9.5: In Battle Ground, Washington, figure skater Tonya Harding pleaded innocent to a drunk driving charge. Harding failed a sobriety test on Saturday, Clark County sheriff's officers say, after she'd crashed her truck into a ditch...
... Tonya's never been good around a bar -- liquor bar or iron bar...
Retired New Jersey Nets star Jayson Williams is expected to be charged with manslaughter as related to the death of limousine driver Costas Christofi, who was found shot to death at the former NBA star's 65-acre New Jersey estate last week...
... Too bad he wasn't that accurate a shooter during his playing days...
The Texas Rangers, no strangers to players in trouble, will take a look at Ruben Rivera. Rivera was released by the New York Yankees on March 11 for stealing a bat and glove from teammate Derek Jeter's locker and selling the items to a memorabilia dealer...
... Alex Rodriguez better keep a good eye on his locker...
... They misunderstood when they heard he led the league in steals...
... How much can you get for KKK hood owned by John Rocker...?
DRIVEN TO WIN: 20-year-old Kwame Brown, the first high school player taken with the first pick of the NBA draft, was charged Saturday with driving 120 mph in a 60 mph construction zone in Georgia...
... Okay, so he left school early, but finishing that Driver's Ed course might have been a good idea...
In Kentucky, a high school basketball star was severely beaten after a rival team's tournament game, leaving him too injured to play in his own team's contest Wednesday. Assault charges have been filed against six Shelby Valley High School students after a melee Monday that injured Jarrod R. Adkins, the leading scorer for cross-county rival Millard High School...
... When everyone screamed "Beat Millard" they took it the wrong way...
ANOTHER NEW YORKER RETIRES TO FLORIDA: In Florida, Darryl Strawberry was sentenced to 18 months in prison for violating his probation. Retired Judge Ralph Steinberg ordered Strawberry to serve prison time from his original sentence on a 1999 conviction on drug and solicitation of prostitution charges. The 40-year-old former major league slugger has violated his probation six times. The latest violation involved breaking the rules of the drug treatment center by smoking, having sex with a resident and trading baseballs for cigarettes...
... Yeah, send him to prison where nobody smokes, has sex with the other residents, or trades stuff for cigarettes… Oops...
... Don't worry - he's used to doing time in an overcrowded, violent place with criminals and constant fighting, run by a cruel, uncaring supervisor - he played for the Yankees...
TALK ABOUT A "SHOOTING GUARD:" A friendly basketball game between U.S. and Afghan teams turned violent, with one American player kicked in the head and an Afghan spectator shot in the leg. The incident began when an American player fell on the court near the seating area of the Kabul stadium. An Afghan spectator stepped forward and kicked the player in the head. An Afghan guard with the U.S. team moved in to try to push the crowd back. He cocked his Kalashnikov and it went off unintentionally, hitting an Afghan spectator in the leg. The American team, which included soldiers, U.S. Embassy personnel and one British player, pulled out of the tournament after the incident, he said...
... Note to basketball fans in Afghanistan: Never yell "SHOOT"...
... Forget sending more soldiers - let's send Bobby Knight and Latrell Sprewell...
The law firm of Meserve, Mumper and Hughes has sued O.J. Simpson for more than $200,000, claiming the former football star failed to pay legal fees last year resulting from his child custody battle...
... He won't pay them until they figure out a way to help him LOSE custody of Kato Kaelin...
In Siskiyou County, California, two men arguing about Little League wound up in the hospital after slugging each other with a baseball bat, and each now faces felony assault charges. Gary Fensler, 39, of Tulelake and Bill Burrier, 37, of Newell will face charges of assault with a deadly weapon, and Fensler will face an additional battery charge. The argument erupted after Fensler showed up at Burrier's work to protest the shifting of players to various Little League teams in the area so that all batters would hit the ball from pitchers instead of off tees. Burrier was Tulelake's Little League president, and both men have children who play baseball. Both men quit Little League at a board of directors meeting Friday night...
... They quit out of shame - after several swings each, neither one had a solid hit...
NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon's wife has filed for divorce after seven years of marriage to the four-time Winston Cup champion. Brooke Gordon said the marriage is "irretrievably broken" in court papers filed Friday. They did not specify the problems...
... Let's just say she's tired of him always finishing first...
Police are investigating allegations that boxer Mike Tyson assaulted a stripper and her boyfriend after an argument at a topless bar in Phoenix, but the fighter denies attacking anyone...
... He said, "I've never attacked anyone - now leave me alone so I can make my living punching, biting and maiming in the boxing ring..."
... More bad news for Tyson - the stripper is now ranked ahead of him by three boxing councils...
A decade after Ivory Coast's soccer team swept to its sole African Nations Cup victory, a government minister has finally paid off disgruntled witch doctors who claim to have helped win the trophy. Witch doctors in a suburb of Ivory Coast's main city Abidjan were enlisted by the minister of sport before the 1992 Cup to give the national side an extra edge. The Elephants won the final beating Ghana in a dramatic penalty shootout in Senegal but the witch doctors from the village of Akradio grumbled they had not been rewarded -- and promptly put a jinx on the side...
... It's no fun trying to strike the soccer ball with your forehead when you have a shrunken head...
NOW KIRBY ONLY GETS HOT IN KITCHENS: A jury began deliberations Wednesday in the trial of Baseball Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett, accused of dragging a woman into a restaurant bathroom and assaulting her. Jurors deliberated for about 5 1/2 hours without reaching a verdict. Hennepin County District Judge Stephen Swanson sequestered them at a hotel for the night, and they were scheduled to reconvene Thursday morning. Puckett's attorney told the jury Wednesday that the state failed prove the charges against the former Minnesota Twins slugger...
